Valentine's Revenge
by Ravenous Arche
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Zell is feeling blue. Seifer has his own problems to contend with....so its really not a day to be festive! Chapter 6 up. It's a Seifell!
1. Valentine Blues

I do not own the characters…..whatever:)

Zell sat stern upright in the cafeteria inhaling the somewhat musky fumes of summer vacation. Blossoms seductively wandering the corridors of Garden were waiting in anticipation for a wandering knight to pluck them and deflower them. They say the heat ignites the flames of passion but this was ridiculous.

"Ughhhh!! 23 years old and still a virgin!" he sighed while noticing a young brunette veraciously impaling her boyfriend's mouth with her tongue. Even more depressing was the fact that this brunette beast looked no older than 16.

Zell sighed again, his head dejectedly dropping to the hard cold metal table. That's what he was cold and lonely. He didn't really have that many friends. What he found extremely funny was that despite fighting alongside a team of Seeds against Ultimecia, he didn't really know them that well and they in turn didn't take the opportunity to know him. He was mamma's little boy. Ma Dincht would smother her son with affection, which was depressing when that was the only love he was receiving. Damn Valentines!

Behind his effervescent façade lay an emotionally defeated boy who yearned companionship and perhaps a good roll in the hay. He previously hooked up with the library girl only to find she was a vindictive cow who was only using the blonde beauty to stab her lesbian mate in the back.

"ZELLLLLLLLLLLLLY!!" a vivacious neon yellowed brunette shrilled, her voice reverberating in the cafeteria bringing Zell to a startled shock. She was always like this. In fact her cutesy nature was really a well-planned strategy employed to conscript unsuspecting victims into her web of garden festivities.

"Oh…..Hi Selphie." His eyes were adjusting to the sudden intake of light. Squall eyed him curiously but thought nothing of it. He had been callous at some stage but talking was a real head fuck for him so he avoided it. He sat down with Rinoa who was in the middle of some random banter with Irvine. Zell plastered his 'I LOVE HOTDOG' face and wolfed them down. To Zell hotdogs were a way for him to escape reality or at least pretend that everything was alright. It became obvious that Zell had an affinity to processed meat and thus the pair could not be separated. A Zell with hot dog in hand was a happy Zell. At least that's what everyone thought.

Zell was aghast at the emotions playing across Squall's face. His eyes were illuminated by the cheap fluorescent light in the cafeteria make them softer than usual. His hand gracefully cupped Rinoa's chin as he planted a kiss on her lips while whispering what Zell thought to be words of affection.

_Oh NO its Selphie's THE END! Shit get me outta here before I cry!!_

It was Valentine's Day, another pointless holiday invented for people to have free sex. To think that women swooned with adoration at the sight of a poor rose who had unceremoniously lost its life for the frivolous actions of lovesick larrikins. Or what about chocolate? The gesture may have seemed innocent at the time, but a damsel in distress would only be digging her own grave what with all the fat laden calories in it. Who could forget the boys. Like drones they would feast in the riches of physical pleasure while setting themselves up for a serious dumping.

Yes, Zell Dincht, a young man with an 8-pack and throbbing member in need of attention hated Valentine's Day….with utmost passion.

Selphie's mouth at that moment closed over Irvine's passing him the grape she had previously plucked. Irvine could only moan with satisfaction.

"How disgusting….." he scowled silently, only to magically conjure images of his tongue serenading whoever's (he was desperate) seductively passing a ripe….engorged…cherry!?

"Oh Hyne…what am I thinking?" he blushed, becoming slightly aroused at the prospect of such a delicious act. To his dismay he soon hit reality with a loud and somewhat un-Zell-like revulsion.

"Since when does Squall…..coo?"

"I must be losing it…is he nuzzling her?

His eyes probed the couple! "Oh my fucking Hyne….of all the things…cooing?"

He couldn't take it anymore. It was rising in him. His body writhed with emotions. His hands clasped the table firmly. He let out a boom of laughter echoing in the cafeteria. All chatter stopped as beady eyes shifted towards the source. He felt like a mouse cornered by a mangy moggy. Stopping his cackling immediately, he rose and simply walked casually out before frantically bolting for his sanctuary- his dorm.

It was a lazy 40 degree day (this is in Celsius for all you imperialists). Headmaster Cid had given the order for a sort of 'mufti' day where students could wear whatever as long as it was appropriate. All classes were cancelled for the entire summer due to the high incidence of sun strokes. Zell's choice in clothing really hadn't changed that much. With each year his pants slightly got tighter and shorter until they finally fit into the category of short pants. It managed to accentuate his petite frame. Despite being a marital artist he had the lean legs of a swimmer and a waist to compete with any southern belle. The only major problem with his slightly different clothing arrangement was his speed impediment. Tight pants made him scamper instead of run and that unfortunately was the prime target of public enemy number 1……Seifer Almasy.

"Hey chicken run!" _Oh damn its him._ "Piss off mut face before I call the kennel" That oughta shut him up. Anything canine related was almost definite to stop the tirade of the blonde knight. Unfortunately Seifer was immune to Zell's words…..after all chickens don't know any better.

"I'm impressed chicken wuss" clapping his hands in mock delight.

"For fuck sake Seifer piss off" Zell spat. Unfortunately this only stoked Seifer's amusement in the little blonde.

"You know chicken, I should rip your tongue out for saying those despicable words to a person of such high esteem and calibre" he pouted with a puppy dog face. What annoyed Zell the most was his baritone voice. At times Seifer could downright appear savvy and highly intelligent and this annoyed Zell to no end.

"Whatever" Zell replied out of sheer desperation. He was so close to his dorm yet so entangled in Seifer's little comeback duel.

"Look Seifer….?" He didn't mean to make it sound like he was shocked as his eyes slowly drifted. He realised it was a searing hot day, but the casual attire Seifer wore was much too 'different'. Zell never realised Seifer even had a body. He had always cocooned himself in that monstrosity of crepe he called a trench coat afraid that some unsuspecting vixen would pounce upon his cruel physique and fondle his 8-pack.

"8-pack? " he thought gazing at the skimpy singlet he wore so lovingly tight around his sweaty…

"It's the weather Zell, you are merely having a heat stroke!" trying to refocus.

It was quite fortunate for Zell that Seifer did not notice his gaze. He was too busy gulping a bottle of iced water. The action caused a cascade of sweat to drip down his well-defined arm much like the condensation falling freshly off a cool beer he thought.

The heat was getting to him. He fell to the ground with a plop.

"His feet are so……bony?" glaring at his ankles. It was strange to see a man of such strength and size have such pin like legs. In fact taking a closer look at Seifer, Zell couldn't help notice the leaner and slightly tired look Seifer had attained.

"Damn this" he scowled crushing the bottle in his hands. The heat was getting to him and he was desperately searching for a way to quell his insatiable thirst. "I'm not in the mood for poultry" he said with an evil smirk.

"But I'll be back to continue our little conversation." He yelled as he ran towards the cafeteria.


	2. Wet Chicken

Zell was thankful for the cool breeze that awaited him as he opened his dorm door. His mother taught him well. Not a single fibre was out of place in the room. In fact Zell was really a clean boy bordering onto the verge of obsession. The highly bleached tiles of his bathroom mirrored Zell's own state of cleanliness and hygiene.

He was short for his age making him look like a pre-pubescent boy. Similarly he hardly had any facial hair or body hair except for….well you know. He would often look at other guys and wonder why he could never really grow a beard or at least stubble, which seemed to take the Garden by storm. On second thought looking at Headmaster Cid and the tree growing from his chest he realised that depilatory creams and waxing was not his cup of tea. At least there was one less thing to worry about.

"What is with this weather?"

He pounced onto his bed contemplating on hibernating through Valentines…. actually the whole month. Since Selphie joined Balamb and become…or more like conquered the position of Garden Festival President she took it in her stride to bring the wonder of Valentines to new heights. In other words the 'day' in Valentine's Day become something like month.

"What am I going to do?"

"Hmmmm Ma has a new boyfriend"

"Squall has Rinoa"

"Irvine has Selphie"

"Cid has Edea"

"Quistis is having a three way with Xu and Nida"

"Seifer has……Seifer has??"

"Hmmmmm….probably screws Fujin senseless!!"

"Maybe that's why she talks like that"

"………"

"And ZELL HAS NO ONE!!"

"How fucking depressing" he shouted.

Its not like Zell was angry. He was just insanely jealous. He wanted everything. Love, tenderness, someone to be there with him and ofcourse mind blowing sex. He had spent much of February in his dorm afraid of encountering couples groping each other. Instead he rented a bunch of movies only to sit, watch and cry. Yes Zell cried his little heart out at the prospect of his demented life panning out into a superficial re-run of American Pie. Was he that desperate? Did nobody have feelings for him? Was he doomed to forever impale a warm and inviting apple pie? Who would lick him afterwards?

"Oh shit the heat is really getting to me" startling himself from his epiphany.

He needed to cool off. A swim would achieve that he thought. So he prepared himself by first rummaging through his closet for swimming trunks. He wondered how desperate he really was. Would he go for the beach bum board-shorts to be conservative or skimpy swimming briefs to prove he was a man? He panned out a few scenarios before deciding he would wear both. Zell was not a voyeur but there were many things that got Zell hot and dirty and he didn't want to risk it especially during mating season on the beach.

The trip to the beach was uneventful. He wore his Ergheiz in the scenario a T-rex would rampage. Unfortunately not even the bite bugs were biting. To add to his dismay his hands were quickly becoming wrinkled and waterlogged from the extreme heat and the thick leather gloves.

"Damnmit! These gloves are a real pain to wash!" removing them only to gawk at how unfamiliar his hands had become. The sun was unrelenting which was extremely bothersome for Zell's wispy skin. He would probably have to nag the cafeteria ladies for several tubs of yoghurt. He slightly smiled at the thought. At least then he would have a very good reason to avoid everyone.

After some time of sweating profusely and muttering insults to the sun he was welcomed by the cool salty aroma of the beach. It looked so inviting and peaceful which was very strange considering that the number of beach goers is directly proportional to the temperature of the day. He expected tanners and beach bums galore. Instead there was a bag and towel on the sand probably left by a person who had a drop of sanity.

He discarded his belongings quickly, madly hopping to avoid getting burned by the searing sands. He sprinted for the gentle waves savouring the shiver it sent up his body. He plunged head first into the water surfacing to be gently warmed by the sun. He swam further out enjoying the pockets of warm and icy water that mingled with his skin. Zell was in a state of rapture.

CRASHHHH!!

"Oh Im sorry…" replied a rich baritone voice.

"Huh…what!" Zell mindlessly babbled.

It took a while for Zell to realise who he had unceremoniously bumped into. The salty water obviously didn't help.

"S..Seifer…I'm sorry" Zell shrilled. He felt somewhat uncomfortable being around the blonde. Maybe it was because he felt vulnerable in board-shorts waddling in deep water.

Seifer clicked.

"FUCK OFF!" boomed Seifer. He had it with the chicken.

"Look man I'm really sorry! I just wanted to apol…"Zell was cut short by Seifer's strong hands wrapping around his delicate neck.

Zell knew that Seifer was an utter delinquent but deep down understood the hostility that the blonde possessed. He actually believed the whole mind control, psychedelic trip Seifer experienced while Ultimecia was alive and kicking. Okay… so maybe Zell had some ounce of regret for the way Seifer's life had panned out…..only he would never share that with anyone. Unfortunately for Zell that way of thinking was soon washed into the sea as his head was forcefully plunged beneath the water. He could have taken Seifer there and then if not for the problem of deep water. It was aimless to struggle and perhaps he welcomed death.

After all no one really wanted him. He would often procrastinate at lunch thinking about his funeral. The little blonde wallowed in self pity as he though of Ma coming to pay her respects before galloping away to her new family with her NEW boyfriend. It was much too painful and embarrassing to cry at the lunch table so he sometimes ate his lunch in his dorm. He always considered his room as a place of refuge but on those dark days the walls became foreboding and the silence was eerie. He could feel his blood pumping furiously, drumming a demented tune of regret and sorrow. On some days he just thought of stabbing through that hexing sound to find peace.

It was strange to think this way…….but for once Seifer was good at something. If you can't kill yourself let someone else do it for you!

Seifer on the otherhand was overcome with fury but not at the little blonde. It was the helplessness he faced in this new world that grotesquely hated the ex-knight. His mind projected a series of taunts and snide comments from strangers. He witnessed the beatings he suffered at the hands of vigilantes. He just wanted to drown them all so he wouldn't have to see them. To send them to the murkiest recesses of his mind where they would be forgotten forever.

It was silent.

Too silent.

Seifer snapped out of his trance to stare in distress at the lifeless figure swaying ever so gently in the water. It was beautiful. Zell's hair was beautiful. Each strand was dancing softly, teasing the palm of the ex-knight. It sent shivers up his spine at the gentleness the boy had even in death. His face was pale and smooth like porcelain, a picture of innocence. No, Zell was the embodiment of innocence. Despite his constant melancholic mood he would always be courteous and respectful to everyone with the exception of Seifer. His soul was not blemished by any wrongdoings, yet his life was taken so early by a traumatised young man. A fitting death it wasn't.

"Ze.ZE…ZELL?!"

_Oh fuck what have I done? What do I do? What do I do?_

Seifer was delirious at this stage. Obviously he was saddened by the fact he killed an innocent person that happened to be Zell of all people. Unfortunately Seifer was also a selfish and ignorant person. His mind tried to justify the murder and concoct novel ways of covering it up. What was he to do? Everybody hated his guts! Now he just killed a war hero and everybody would fucking damn notice. He was sure to be sentenced to death. Death didn't scare him as much as those banshees screaming in the crowds for the ex knight to fall. He could almost see their contorted faces of disgust and revulsion. It was not a pleasant thought to know that the whole world was out to get you.

Seifer swam frantically with Zell in tow towards the beach hoping, praying to Hyne that this was all some bad joke. For once he wanted to be punched by Zell. He would even kiss the boy if he would wake up.

"Please Hyne…..please let him be alright" Seifer was at the point of tears. His life was totally screwed.

He reached the shoreline in record time assembling Zell on his back checking for a pulse and breath.

"Oh fuck….come one….please Zell….don't leave me…..not now chicken"

But there was neither.


	3. Extreme Makeover

This is my feeble attempt at being creative. I do not own Squaresoft (now Square Enix). I certainly do not own the character and frankly if you want to sue me than I think you need to get a life. HAVE FUN READING:D

Roses!

Camellias!

Frangipanis!

Lilies!

The whole Garden was surrounded by a floral halo, a typical Selphie marking. It would seem that Valentine's Day would haunt Zell even in death. Was this heaven? Where all the innocent went to spend their eternity frolicking in fields? Or was this a sick demented version of hell. Zell's personal hell!

The volatile fumes were much too suffocating for little Zell, so he groggily woke up cursing the man who thought of affiliating the little weeds with love.

_ACHOOO!_

_Hmmmmm that's funny...I don't normally have hayfever._

_WAIT!! Since when do dead people sneeze?_

The day was getting even stranger for the little martial artist. His eyes were practically crying a river from the olfactory assault and his stomach churned from the sick thoughts of drinking perfume and bathing in flower petals.

He shifted a foot off the bed frantically feeling his way for the floor.

"DAMN THESE EYES!" he cursed loudly. He rubbed his eyes furiously while whimpering when the stinging sensation started to kick in. He made it worse.

Seifer would probably die from laughing if he ever saw the blonde wander aimlessly around the room like a headless chicken. In his attempt to find the bathroom he managed to break glass, split his lip and render himself partially unconscious.

Obviously if you were to experience a temporary loss of eyesight and meander around the room like a drunkard you would be pretty pissed. For Zell the anger at his inability to walk properly soon turned into an all consuming fear.

Who would leave this much crap lying around?

Maybe he didn't die...

Zell always had spare time! After having his little cry session he would often calm himself by reading the Occult fan magazine. After fighting Ultimecia he soon realized that ANYTHING was possible and he could have sworn that he saw PuPu zooming around near Esthar.

OH SHIT!! I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!! he thought.

That could possibly explain the hayfever Zell was experiencing. Perhaps PuPu had probed him and somehow fucked with his genes? Zell was not a gullible character but at this time where he searched for a plausible explanation...this unfortunately made sense.

"Cmon...where's the bathroom...I'm BUSTING" Zell whimpered.

He grabbed his crotch squeezing while madly hopping, hoping to Hyne he could hold it. Ofcourse the apprehension coupled with the obscene amount of tripping didn't really help his ballooning bladder.

"OKAY so they must have fucked with my dick as well!"

It must have felt strange touching a crotch you never thought you have. Zell was male so he had a ... (we hope) but this one was different. There was something strange about it... He was wearing boxers for goodness sake and Zell detested the undergarments. Zell strongly believed in support, so he went with jocks all the way.

Zell did not like it one damn bit and it was showing on his sweaty face. He was faced with so many dilemmas in such a short amount of time.

Perhaps death wasn't what it was cracked up to be!

MEANWHILE

Seifer was having a ball. He woke up this morning with a zest for life. Walking through the Garden corridors was refreshing. Warm greetings and a lack of daggers made Seifer wish he was more of a morning person.

His body was just rippling with energy and he had a bounce in his step. He was the vision of health!

Perhaps Valentine's Day was a great holiday after all. People were too obsessed coaxing their victims into the shaggin wagon to notice that there was a raving lunatic enrolled in the Garden who tried to kill them. Life was very strange indeed but Seifer didn't give a rat's ass. He would go fishing and actually enjoy it without having pesky mothers throw their food scraps at him.

BACK TO ZELL

After much deliberation, Zell's hands finally found the cool tiles which hopefully were part of the bathroom. He found it much easier to crawl and it did give him some minor bladder relief.

"Okay...so where is the toilet bowl?" concentrating with all his might

His hands patted the floor building a mental map of the bathroom.

"T..That's a..?" He felt a box of some sort. Upon some more fondling he finally concluded it was the bathroom vanity.

"Which means!"

"The toilet is right NEXT TO IT"

"BOOYA!" he shouted with satifaction.

_OMG does my voice sound like that...ughhh...wait a minute!_

Before he could fantasize about his new found voice he found the toilet bowl! Relief painting his face. He unzipped his pants and the rest was history.

The flush was music to his ears. At least there was a toilet in heaven or hell or wherever he was. Everybody takes toilets for granted. But not Zell. Ultimecia's castle did not have a toilet whatsoever despite the immensity of the place. The fountain always came in handy, but then again you always had Ultimecia looming over you so it was scary trying to do your business when she could teleport right in front of you.

Zell wasn't really a religious person, but he thanked Hyne for the wonderful invention beautifully named, the toilet.

After spending a few good seconds entranced by the presence of the toilet he aimed for the vanity fumbling for the taps. He found it...but burnt himself with the scalding water.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh FUUUUUUUUCK!" Quickly turning it off he opened the other trying to cool his burn.

He washed his hands and face thoroughly trying to relieve some of the itching in his eyes. He also dumbly concluded that repeatedly splashing his face with cold water would wake him up from this nightmare. It was in vain.

Zell always despised Valentine's Day. It was more his overwhelming jealousy at all the couples enjoying themselves that caused much anger. Who was Saint Valentine? Everybody knew Santa Claus was fake! Right?

What Zell didn't know was that the canonized saint was very much real and sat with Hyne bringing order to the world.

An angry saint should not be trifled with!

Frankly, he would not take shit from a boy barely out of puberty.

Maybe that could explain why Zell was having such a bad day.

After wiping his face with a stray towel he stared at the mirror utterly horrified at the sight before him. His heart was viciously pounding.

It wasn't even his heart!

There before him stood a pale and somewhat fragile looking tall blonde man with a scar brandished between his emerald orbs.

Zell was Seifer...it was worse than hell!

The screams of agony and torture reverberated through the corridors of Garden.

Did anybody care? No!

Everybody was makin love as Irvine would put it.


	4. Texas T

**I do not own the characters, Claratyne or the Beverly Hillbillies.**

**REMEMBER: ZELL is trapped in Seifer's body which means SEIFER is in Zell's body…the old switcheroo  
**

After screaming obscenities and having numerous strangers knock on his door with torches in hand, it soon became apparent to Zell that he was not feeling well. That was an understatement.

He did notice that Seifer before was looking a bit jagged around the edges lately, but then again he spent most of his life trying to avoid the man.

Strangely, behind his passionate hatred was a tinge of remorse.

"Seifer what did you do to yourself?" his voice breaking in mid sentence.

Seifer's body still carried the lean muscular frame that any man would dream of but it was marked with abuse and neglect. His skin was sallow and bruised with scars. The scary part was that some of them looked so clean that perhaps they were self-inflicted.

Zell was morbidly fascinated with his new body. It wasn't everyday that you could have free reign over your bully. Oh the torture!

In fact Zell was slightly aroused at the prospect of exploring new found territories. Zell was always known for his abundant source of energy. What people didn't know was that his pent up sexual frustration was the source of this energy. He had to keep active otherwise…..otherwise….(he shuddered at the thought).

**FLASHBACK**

There was one day in Zell's life that he wished to Hyne his GF could help him forget. He was madly in love with the library girl though he never suspected that she was playing on the other side of the fence. So how did they meet? There was this particular moment where she dropped the books she was carrying and bent down.

Isn't that what everybody does?

Well ofcourse they do, but any woman wearing an insanely short, mini, little, tiny skirt would wear at least some type of undergarment. Unfortunately for Zell she didn't and so the little blonde was directly in sight of one of the most erotic and downright crude forms of voyeur.

For 3 days, Zell had a raging hard on that would never subside. He tried getting off…..but he always used to think of her so that didn't help. Books were always a real turn off…so he read…..he even resorted to slapping himself with the book….but to no avail.

Fighting was always sure to focus his mind. The training centre would have been a great idea to relieve some sexual tension. Unfortunately Grats had an amazing sense of smell for plants and with the pheromones Zell was giving off like hotcakes…..it was a very different kind of battle. There was nothing worse than trying to be pollinated by a Grat!

Poor Zell, facing the shock and embarrassment of his life decided that his only salvation was the infamous Kadowaki. Zell always sickened at the sight of blood, but to see blood coming from his most prized appendage was truly heart wrenching. While Zell was practically on the verge of tears, Dr. Kadowaki couldn't help but crack jokes and drool at the cruel physique the blonde had. She just couldn't believe that a young man with abs of steel and enough wood to make a house would be so lonely…and she thought she had it bad!

Zell was a walking Viagra factory and he desperately needed to find a mate.

**END FLASHBACK  
**

!cough!

!cough!

"HEHEHEH HAHAHAH" came a thick Texan voice.

It seemed that Zell's day was just full of surprises.

"P-u-P-u" cried Zell, frantically peering in every corner of the bathroom. His eyes were a bit better and he managed to get the tearing under control after raiding the vanity for Claratyne.

He whimpered. He sobbed. His life was in absolute shambles!

"What do you want from me?"

"I..I'll g…give you s..so…some…hotdogs!" Zell was shivering at the thought of a blood curdling alien coming…

"Oh come on squirt don't be like that. Surely you must remember me?"

"Though I wonder what you might be doing in Seifer's body?"

That over dramatic Texan accent was seriously beginning to annoy the little blonde.

"IRVINE IF YOUR FUCKING WITH ME COME OUT NOW BEFORE I SINGE YOUR HAIR" he entered the main room furiously opening the wardrobes and checking under the bed to find any evidence of the 'metro-centric' cowboy.

_Damn he's not here!_

The rich bass cackling continued to fill the room.

"I'm here!"

Zell shot his eyes at the source of the fuss.

_A cactuar?_

Zell fainted.

**MEANWHILE**

Seifer was having an extremely hard time catching fish.

He was hungry. Really hungry!

Problem is he didn't have any money. After passing the SEED exam he soon found it was depressingly dull. Not a single mission…for him. Cid was more than happy to give him the rank but Seifer suspected he was totally banned from accepting any missions. No missions equals no money.

Cid, being of infinite wisdom missed the teeny weeny problem that to actually eat something you need to exchange some form of currency. So Seifer was stuck starving himself from lack of finance. The depressing part was that even the sorceress fed him well.

"Hmmmm.. caviar, soufflé, osso buco and ohhhh that yummy foie gras" drooling at the prospect of a buffet fit for a king.

"..."

"Well that's out of the question!"

Seifer had a bad reputation which countered his efforts at asking what he thought were 'decent' people for money. He asked Quistis once and she gave him her lunchbox…only it was empty. Xu gave him a death glare and Squall was…like…..whatever...ya know?

"Zell…."

"Wonder what he's doing" he thought.

He didn't hate him. Zell was just there and Seifer was ultimately created to annoy the hell out of him. There were a few instances when Zell would actually give him some money to buy food.

He made a deal with the little blonde.

Seifer wouldn't call Zell anything poultry related for a week if he paid him 50 gil.

Zell reluctantly agreed.

The only problem was trying to make that 50 gil last the week. Inflation in Balamb was high and a friggin hotdog cost 19 gil!

Seifer usually ordered the cheapest thing which was buttered bread (and that still cost 9 gil!!).

Seifer never ate on the weekends. He usually ran out of money by the end of the week.

It was funny how life played you. Here was Seifer depending on Zell for his life. Some of the weeks were extremely difficult when Zell was sent on missions. He would often go a week without food actually praying that the little blonde would come back to save him.

"Chickie….my knight" his eyes were glazed with emotion. How did life turn out so bad?

Seifer felt cold at the emotions wracking his brain. He reached into his pocket of his friggin tight assed jeans...Zell's damn jeans!

"Well Chickie what do….."his voice trailed off, his eyes opening in surprise.

"FUCK.ME"

"1000 GIL"

"I could….I could buy pancakes and…and STEAK!!"

"The HELL with fishing"

Seifer dumped his fishing rod into the sea, pleased at the new found happiness the little chicken had given him. It was better than 50 gil!

Seifer spent much of the day feasting on steak, pasta, strudels, ice cream and anything else that fell into the category of edible. Though at the back of his mind he made sure not to spend all the money. He didn't know why, but he felt that Zell might need it more than him.

**BACK TO ZELL….**

"Zell"

"ZELL!" shouted the cactus.

"Well if this pipsqueak aint wakin up im gonna…" the cactoid nudged.

_**10 000 NEEDLES**_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Good you're finally awake"

"Why did you do that….WHY!?"

_Hmmm last time I checked SUCCULENTS DON'T TALK!_

Zell grimaced at the random needles poking him.

"Ummmm why do you have a moustache?"

Zell was on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

He was hungry…heck he was probably anorexic for all he knew, he was stuck in Seifer's body, probably abducted by aliens and now he was talking to a cactus that was a Beverly Hillbilly with a moustache….and IT WAS BROWN!!

"Awww shucks you like it? Seifer said I should grow one. Says it would make me look manly" the cactus blushed.

_…….blushed…..O.o_

_I think Im gonna cry!_

"Hey squirt don't cry… I mean you no harm" cactuar inched forward extending its pricky arm in a gesture of comfort.

"You're in my head?" Zell whimpered.

"YEP! You got me junctioned!" the cactus puffed his chest (or lack of) in pride at Zell.

………………..GROWL…………………

"Ohhhhh Im sooooooo hungry" cried Zell.

"Hehehehh" the cactus made a nervous laughter.

"What?" Zell was suspicious.

"Well…you got no money kid"

"No…NO MONEY!" Zell's stared in horror.

_I can ask Qusitis…..but she hates Seifer…everybody hates Seifer!!_

"You know I watched this documentary where people in the desert who have no food eat………….juicy cactuars" Zell was beyond delirious to the point that he would stop at nothing to quell his hunger pains.

The cactus raised a non existent eyebrow.

"We'll see about that sunshine" replied the cactus getting ready for….

_**1, 000, 000 needles**_

Zell lay defeated and still starving for those mouth watering hot dogs.

**I have a pet cactus but it doesn't really do much. The GF was so dependable IMO!  
**

**Seifer does seem a lot kinder and that's because he's been through a lot of shit lately. **


	5. Smokin' Threats

**There is going to be romance for the two. I just don't want them jumping into bed at first sight. They gotta earn their love...somehow.**

**Its difficult to write the two in each other's bodies. They have such different personalities to the point that their body language is completely different. So just try to picture Zell in Seifer's body trying to swat flies:D**

It took a solid hour before Zell was finally free from his prickly prison. Cactuar just jumped around on the spot making funny squeaky sounds. It was super cute.

For once Zell just smiled and chuckled softly at the dancing cactuar forgetting the mess he got into. Little did he suspect that cactuars were highly advanced creatures and as of this moment the cactuar was using its natural charm to lull Zell into a state of false security. With good intentions though.

"If I don't have money then how I am I going to eat?" he thought aloud.

A moment passed. Perhaps an innocent threat would suffice?

"I'll die and then you won't have anybody to junction you!" Zell put on a concerned face.

Unfortunately given the complexity of Seifer's face it really didn't stick. Fortunately for Zell the cactus understood.

**FLASHBACK**

Hardly anybody junctioned Cactuar during the Ultimecia affair. Selphie had developed a keen interest in the succulent but was disappointed as she found she was allergic to it. Quistis was never a green thumb. She was obsessed with dishing out status effects and she would love riding Doomtrain for the hell of it. She really was a sadist.

Squall detested the critter. He had junctioned Eden and well……65000+ damage was a lot better than the measly 1000 damage at the time. Zell took him out of pity, but he was more of an electric water dualist. Rinoa refused out rightly after Angelo suffered a near death experience chocking on a cactus needle. There was always Irvine but who would want to be stuck in a never ending erotic story? Definitely not a cactus!

Sadly the life of Cactuar was a lonely one until he met Seifer. Cactuar's eyes were shining a disturbing onyx, a clear indication of what a profound impact the emerald eyed man had made on the cactus's non-existent heart.

**END FLASHBACK**

While the hillbilly continued to reminisce, Zell had started raiding the wardrobe for some clothes to wear.

Seifer's collection in clothes was substantial bordering on obsessive. It was like entering a sweatshop that only produced that gray shit Seifer used to wear back in the days. He had a dozen replica grey trenchcoats together with a couple of black pants and that vest you really never got see. It was a blistering day outside and it was made apparent to Zell (Seifer's body suffered extensively from hyperhydrosis) that the typical attire Seifer used to wear would not suffice.

He tossed everything aside frustrated at the lack of summer attire.

_He was wearing short pants before...where does he keep them?_

"Ughhhh" whined Zell.

Zell was desperate.

After spending a considerable time clawing through the depths of Seifer's fashionable lack of fashion he opted for boxer shorts.

Seifer had plenty of boxer shorts and well...they look like shorts...only they're silk and they LOOK like boxer shorts.

_Oh well! _

He probably needed a shower only Zell was too scared to find anymore hidden surprises.

Zell stripped his now tattered clothes and put his silky black boxers over his existing cotton ones. It felt uncomfortable and suffocating.

He put on a random singlet he found lying on the ground, happy that it covered the majority of his scars.

He caught a quick glance in the mirror.

"WHY...WHY?"

Zell looked weird.

He opened the door and waited for Cactuar to come out. Zell was beginning to enjoy the Texan tycoon's company.

The way it waddled when it tried to walk and made that squeaky sound made Zell want to giggle.

He walked slowly...very slowly. He was not used to boxers and frankly he did not like the amount of commotion going down there.

_I don't wanna be stuck like this forever._

He sighed upon noticing a couple straddling each other.

_Hmph Valentine's my ass…more like Halloween!_

Zell was conscious of the stares he was attracting. He understood that trying to dominate the world by siding with an evil sorceress was a possible explanation for Seifer's bad reputation. Strangely, Zell was more uncomfortable at the way his (or more like Seifer's) body was responding to his new choice in underwear. He blushed a wonderful shade of scarlet.

Zell gave a toothy grin and waved as he saw one of his fans – Leslie Oran. He used to hang around Zell like a lost puppy and he would always gloat that he was friends with a hero. Zell loved the attention. Too bad it was from a guy.

"Hey guys can you believe that dick wad smiled at us?" Leslie smirked.

"He can ride me any day!" replied a salivating freckled boy standing next to Leslie.

"...If only", sighed Leslie.

"Did you see the way he blushed at me...FUCK HE'S HOT" a SEED behind Leslie panted.

"Fuck off, as if he would like you, its obvious he wants me" replied Leslie.

Nida came by to see what was the commotion. He was made head of the disciplinary team after Seifer couldn't fulfill his duties.

"Guys you better behave yourself or otherwise I'll have to hand out detentions" Nida casually stated. He was a real softie at heart and everybody loved him he thought.

"Hey Nida, I'm gonna ask Seifer on a date and I AM GONNA RIDE HIM ALL NIGHT!! YEE HAW!!" an exhilarated Leslie pronounced for everyone to hear.

The kid struck a nerve.

!!CRACK!!

!!KAPOW!!

"Take that back" a teary Nida screamed.

The boys were petrified at the sudden mood swing.

"I love him...someday he's going to propose to me and we'll have children...", Nida sobbed softly.

The surrounding people left in a hurry. Nida was emotionally unstable and would often create his own fantasy world. There was an incident of a dead wendigo found in his dorm after it had been impregnated and later tortured. People stood well away from the ticking time bomb.

Zell started taking longer strides getting away from the commotion. He had no idea what was happening.

_Anyone walking like that must be..._

"HEY CHICKEN!" yelled a familiar voice.

Zell turned around to come face to face with himself?

Zell started panicking. _Oh hyne what's happening…..that isn't me!_

_WAIT A MINUTE._

"SEIFER" growled Zell. He was partially amazed at the ferocity of his voice. It payed to have a deeper voice.

Seifer flinched.

"Tsk Tsk such venom for a chicken…..unless you're a cockatrice" Seifer gave a nervous chuckle.

_I look like shit...and what the hell am I wearing?_ Seifer thought as he scanned his once previous body. Zell noticed his wandering eyes. He felt an overwhelming need to berate the ex-knight.

"Like your handiwork Seifer!?" Zells arms lifted his T-shirt exposing his scars. He sucked his stomach in to reveal some very prominent ribs.

"Aww you fucking starve yourself so everyone feels sorry for you?" Zell gave a most hideous pout.

"You're a fucking disgrace"

"A bitch like you should be put down"

Zell stood agape at the words that fluttered from his mouth. He only reserved flamboyant language for Seifer. Much of the words were said without feeling and it was mainly to show Seifer that he was being an asshole. This time he said it with such acidity that it was burning him.

He felt guilty at the sudden glassiness Seifer's eyes (his eyes) took. Not a tear was shed. Instead Seifer's jaw clenched, growling, exposing what was once Zell's famous canines needed to chew through the most out of date hot dogs.

That soon stopped as Seifer, with an elegant flick of his wrist produced a cigarette and a lighter. Recognition washed over Zell.

"What do you think your doing?" Zell wasn't really sure of himself. Then he thought of all those grotesque ads on TV with the dissected lungs and aorta.

"DON'T YOU DARE LIGHT THAT THING! YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME CANCER!" Zell shouted furiously. The emotional overburden was taking a toll on his body. He was starving and his head throbbed from the onslaught. He felt a bit dizzy and he grabbed a nearby pole to steady himself. Seifer didn't notice Zell's distress.

"You depressed me chickie and I need a long smoke to calm myself" he beamed. He used the money he found in Zell's pockets to purchase some Marlboros. He smoked before on the docks and only one word could describe it….heavenly. Zell was a nicotine virgin. Seifer didn't remember his first smoke but it must have been 'heavenly'.

Before Seifer turned, he lit the cigarette and inhaled.

"Ohhhh chicken….damn your good" Seifer was on a nicotine high. Seifer enjoyed being Zell very much. He got respect from his peers, he had money and the way Zell responded to the cancer stick was divine. Seifer felt complete.

The smoke just curled off his lips. The words were sultry coated and Zell who had barely survived his boxer affair was met again with a primal urge to copulate.

Zell just squirmed and blushed on the spot trying to hide his OH so obvious dilemma.

"ZELL what are you doing? Your making a fool of MYSELF!" Seifer cringed at the way some people were gawking at the ex-knight.

_He called me Zell?_

"You called me Zell?" a small smile playing on Zell's face. Seifer's face had a beautiful smile but the ex-knight failed to ever use it.

Zell stopped fidgeting enough for Seifer to see what the problem was.

It was hard to imagine being aroused when you weren't but you knew you were.

"ZELL" Seifer screamed at the top of his lungs but was met with an annoying screech and crack.

Seifer held a gloved hand to his throat while coughing.

"You bastard! Don't you dare touch my body" shot Seifer, but his voice still hadn't recovered. His voice had become distrubingly erratic.

"Or what" Zell whispered in a most seductive tone. Zell was beginning to fall in love with Seifer's voice. It was so intoxicating.

As if by instinct Zell's hand went down...and down. He knew he was crossing dangerous waters.

"DON'T" yelped Seifer.

"Ohhhhhh yeahhhh" Zell was faking enjoyment. He actually enjoyed the look on Seifer's face.

_OMG am I making fun of myself here?_

Seifer had enough. He lunged for Zell bring him down so that Seifer straddled him.

"Listen to me Chicky. Don't in anyway touch my body ever again. Don't even stare at my..I mean your reflection. I will not have some pre-pubescent wimp handle something that he doesn't know how to use" fisting his hand into Zell's singlet.

"WELL THEN DONT FUCKING SMOKE YOU HORN BAG" barked Zell.

"Horn bag...?"chuckled Seifer.

_My fucking goodness I'm him now and he's still treatin me like shit_

_Hmmmmm_

"You know I was always fond of Kadowaki and she has great hands...if you know what I mean" winked Zell.

"W..what?" Seifer didn't like where this was going.

Zell propped himself and started walking.

"Where are you going?" Seifer stood motionless, random images of an overweight doctor probing his ass.

Zell at this stage was brimming with newfound confidence. He was finally able to put a stop to the bully's tirade.

"Pop a cherry...Seify" Zell managed make a popping sound. He was surprised at the the ex-knight's versatility. He loved the voice. It was so menacing and strangely sensual.

Seifer's eyes bulged. The complications of sexual intercourse with HER would have meant bathing for a year in DETTOL or some other general antiseptic. He shuddered at the thought. It made Seifer's lack of hair stand on edge.

"Fine then I guess I won't buy you a hot dog" Seifer was trying to be casual, but Zell's voice could not easily hide emotion so it was pretty much in vain.

"Ummm okay" Zell responded cheerily.

"I'm gonna need some energy for my medical checkup" Zell was never going to let this go. Seifer's weakness was having random sex with the butch of a woman Kadowaki.

Zell beamed.

Little Cactuar who was knocked after being pounced upon realised that the blonde conversation was being watched by a person with murderous intent aimed at Zell (Zell's body).

"We'll be together soon my love" Nida whispered, smelling a pair of small skimpy pants.

**I wanted to add a character who was downright sexually perverted but at the same time emotionally weak. Nida fits the bill (I don't really like him). Next chapter is about food and the rest of the gang. I wonder if there are any Kadowaki fics? I think it would be a great idea to have some kind of taboo doctor student thing happening. **


	6. Food for the Soul

**Turns out I do not own the characters or Squaresoft (enix..or whatever it is now). There is dialogue section in the story. I found it a lot easier doing it this way. Its mainly just for fun. I don't want to spend too much time on the the orphanage gang, so this will probably be the chapter with the most interaction.  
**

**Food for the Soul**

The valentine ambiance was still wafting through the air. The entrance to the cafeteria was marked with a giant floral wreath. Why Selphie had gone to such extremes no one knew. If you were drunk enough you could just imagine yourself stepping into a fairy tale land where the floor was clean and not a single bite bug was roaming over head. Perhaps that was just the cheap fluorescent lighting playing tricks on you.

Seifer never had time to admire the dilapidation of the cafeteria especially since being stuck in Zell's body. No, Seifer was too stuck on disturbing images of his own flesh and blood impaling the ever so butch Kadowaki.

Seifer was a man of substance.

He was after all the modern day Adonis, though he was looking a little worn lately. Yes, sex-appeal often conjures images of dirty and animalistic behaviour, Seifer was it.... minus the mess. His first sexual encounter was with Miss Rinoa Heartilly.

It never really worked out.

The prospect of finally losing his virginity was a real turn on. He decided foreplay was the best option to break the ice. He would use the standard voracious kiss, the whole nipple affair and then slowly inch his way down to......

Granny underwear was a real turn off to Seifer. It obviously didn't help when the girl you were trying to gratify (for your pleasure ofcourse) had flower patches emblazoned with miniature dogs frolicking in the ugly floral print. He tugged them off viciously eliciting a gasp from the now panting Rinoa. He didn't have to worry about protection, it was standard procedure to test for STI's and the drinking water was laced with a cocktail of contraceptive chemicals. No problems....right?

He was so ready. His brow creased with concentration. Sweat dripped of his muscle clad chest. Rinoa was apprehensively awaiting Seifer's large, elongated engorged member. It hit her with an amazing orgasmic force.

I did it........"WHAT THE FUCK", screamed Seifer.

"What did you do to me?"

Seifer was worriedly looking down at his now deflated appendage.

"Oh no...I'm sorry I guess it came earlier than I expected" sighed Rinoa wishing that she could just curl up and die.

Since that day, Seifer became asexual, though he would dabble in fellatio but that's about it. The thought still chilled him as he saw Rinoa chatting with the girls. Seifer scoffed at the sight.

_Good riddance!_

_OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo_

Zell was jumping on the spot like a deranged maniac trying to gain the attention of the now short and slightly dazed Seifer. Seifer quickly handed him 200 gil trying to shush the boxer clad blonde who had currently gained the attention of a few deceitful eyes. They were hyenas waiting to pounce on any vulnerability.

Meanwhile sitting at their usual table...

**Selphie**: I wonder if Seifer waxes?

**Quistis**: maybe he can help Squall overcome his affliction.

**Rinoa**: I like hairy men!

Rinoa was pouting at the rather brazen Qusitis.

**Quisits**:That explains the hairballs you always cough up in the morning.

**rinoa**: OH!

**Selphie**: someone's in a bad mood....what's the matter Quisty?

**Quistis**:someone in garden has been spreading rumours about me, Xu and Nida.

**Selphie**:Oh yeah I heard that....kinda kink-AY! Woot!

Quistis frowned. Selphie was trapped in her own twisted world and Rinoa was giggling at the prospect of the leather clad instructor with a timid and rather perverse Nida licking her boot.

**Rinoa**:Oh come on Qusity its not that bad...I mean you need to spice up your life.

**Selphie**: yeah when's the last time you got caned?

**Quistis**:caned?

**Selphie**:Irvy and I save a bucket load of gil............

**Quistis**:I don't want to hear it!

**Selphie**:see Quisty you need to find a man who can spank you around and really drill it into you...if you know what I mean.

Selphie tapped her nose, a sure way of showing who had the wisdom in the group.

**Quistis**:Oh!!! I'll sit on Xu, and Nida's cockatrice can peck me to climax. Isn't that fun?

The comment was bored and lifeless, but Selphie had a knack of regenerating anything.

**Selphie**:thats the spirit!

**Rinoa **began to laugh uncontrollably.

**Quistis**:it's not that funny!

**Rinoa**:Heheh, it just reminds me of squall and......something.

**Selphie**:Come on tell us......im gonna pee if you don't!

**Rinoa**:Okay.....Squall took me once to Winhill on a make believe honeymoon. Me being a city girl and all, decided it would be fun to visit a farm. It turns out that mesmerise cheese is like...a delicacy?

**Qusitis**:I've heard that, apparently it has a sharper taste than normal cheese.

**Rinoa**:that's what I heard. So I nagged Squall to get me some milk so I can taste some.

**Selphie**:what happened next?

**Rinoa**: so squall got permission to milk a mesmerise.

**Selphie**:And....?

**Rinoa**:he milked it.

**Quisits**:i dont get it!

**Rinoa**:lets just say he didn't get any milk

**Quistis**:.........

**Selphie**:GET OUT OF TOWN.....Squall??.....that is sooooooo KINK--AYYYYY!

**Quistis**: oh Hyne what is the world coming to?

Squall arrived after spending an hour trying to get his latex pants on. Irvine spent most of his morning polishing his rod of fury.

**Squall**:.........

**Irvine**:hiya ladies. How's my little coerul?

**Selphie**:Im doin fine my well endowed behemoth.

Quistis rolled her eyes.

Squall meanwhile was observing two bumbling blondes in the cafeteria.

**Rinoa**:what's the matter?

**Squall**:Zell's with Seifer.

**Quistis**:he is really thin….

**Selphie**:well then let him eat you!

**Quistis**:I'm pretty sure that Seifer is not a cannibal.

**Rinoa**:I wouldn't be so sure...

**Squall**:I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Rinoa and Selphie erupted in a torrent of laughter. Quistis took a while to register what context they were talking about. Irvine was too busy thinking of how Seifer could eat him, and Squall was wishing he shaved.

_Seriously everybody is so sex crazed these days._

_OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo_

"Hmmmm there is so much to choose from...but I'll think I'll get 20 hot dogs please", Zell happily chirped. The cafeteria lady was looking very oddly at him.

"O..okay then...", replied the decrepit bat.

Zell thought she was a total bitch. She would always skimp out on the ketchup and cheese. Zell cried incompetence. How could Garden employ a woman who couldn't properly squeeze a bottle? She was 90 and rather frail, but when Zell was hungry the whole world had to stop so he could savour the hot dogs.

"And make sure you put extra ketchup and cheese", using Seifer's menacing tone. Zell was astounded at what a few changes in bass could do to one's manipulative abilities.

Poor lady, it wasn't everyday that you were threatened by the lapdog for sauce and cheese. She slaved away using every ounce of her feeble strength to get that last remaining slurry of sauce out of the bottle. After a good 20 minutes and some 'moral support' from Zell, the hot dogs were neatly placed on a tray, an offering to appease the gluttonous blonde.

Conversely, Seifer ordered a garden salad and water. It was still a hot day and he already had a feast before. The frail worker was eying Zell. Well he looked like Zell, he talked like Zell but Zell doesn't eat greens. She was losing the plot. So after giving the two blondes their food she closed the cafeteria early and retired.

_If only.._ Zell wished.

"Come on caccy let's find a place to sit", the cactus just waddled around crying in its native tongue.

The hotdogs were a welcome comfort to the now ravenous blonde. Zell was beginning to drool, his stomach grumbling in acceptance of the very soon cataclysmic stuffing of hidden processed calories.

Zell was giddy with joy, to the point he was running on a lethal cocktail of speed.

Zell turned for his usual table.

Seifer inwardly groaned.

There was nothing worse than talking to the demented commander who was probably mute for all he knew. Upon further inspection, Seifer realised that perhaps meeting with the people he hated so much was inevitable. After all he was Zell.

_Zell??_

_Well fuck me silly, _concocting images of infiltrating the group's circle of trust. Behind closed doors Sefier could regurgitate gossip to the point of barfing uncontrollably.

This was going to be a very eventful day for Seifer.

Zell put his brimming tray on the table as if it were any other day. He took his usual spot sitting across from Quistis.

"Mind if I sit here puberty-boy?", chuckled Seifer.

Seifer was patiently awaiting some sign of discomfort or annoyance from the commander. There was nothing. A bit perturbed, he went to his next victim.

"Yo Instructor!", he called to the icy blonde. She was always sensitive of her job loss and Seifer being the annoying vulture would constantly pick at it.

Nothing.

Seifer pounded his small but rather deadly fist on the table. Still nothing. The group was engrossed in a deep and meaningful conversation and nothing could distract them, not even their sweet innocent martial artist.

_To hell with this!_

Seifer sat with a thud shaking the flimsy steel seat. With fork in hand he prodded and impaled his salad thinking....wishing that he could gouge certain steel blue eyes with cheap plastic cutlery dripping with vinaigrette. Conversely Zell was in a state of bliss, staring lovingly at the sugar laden rolls.

The scent of boiled frankfurt permeated through the air reaching Zell's nostrils sending a cascade of euphoric buzzes through his thin frame.

He savored the touch, wrapping his hands around the tight bun, squeezing the meat deliciously. He bit into it slowly, lovingly probing his tongue into the cavernous reaches of the slick interior. He pushed the frankfurt with the tip of his tongue lapping up the sweet processed juices pouring from the opening.

As he pulled back to admire his handiwork, thick strands of yellow goodness stretched, glistening under the fluorescent lighting. Zell veraciously lapped the cheesy goodness, his tongue slapping against the side of his mouth. He moaned in pleasure as he felt the processed ambrosia settle in his stomach.

Seifer who in a futile attempt started stabbing the wilted lettuce was drawn to the deep throaty moans of his body, well it was his to begin with.

He stared with eyes aghast at Zell making love to a hot dog. His former tongue was uncontrollable and demanding. Strangely it seemed familiar...like the time he and Rinoa...

_SHIT...I don't want to go there._

He was still mentally disturbed at the image of his proud possession covered in blood. Call it paranoia, but Seifer was utterly horrified at the prospect of being castrated in battle, which could explain why the blonde always cast shell, protect and reflect on the nether regions. One can never be too careful!

It was much too disturbing thinking about Rinoa and her monthly cycles so he had to do what he had to do. He coughed, prepping his voice.

"Seifer stop calling me chicken wuss!", it was a bit scratchy but Seifer thought it added to the desperation he lovingly admired in the small blonde.

Seifer mentally chuckled. That should get their attention.

"......", Squall grunted, slightly dazed at the tall blonde sitting in his social circle.

Zell continued eating still completely unsure of who or what he was.

Quistis kicked him in the shin.

"Owwwww" cried Zell. Quistis could kick really hard. It obviously didn't help when you had a bruise the size of Dollet gracing your shins. The pain was a bit too overwhelming for Zell who now struggled not to cry in front of his friends. Seifer grimaced at the impact. He remembered how the Balamb baseball kids club came running after him bludgeoning him with their thick heavy stainless steel bats. Balamb may have seemed like a tranquil little coastal village, but when the kids came out to play......well Seifer really didn't want to go there.

Zell, as a last resort deepthroated a hot dog trying to quell his tears. It worked, only that now he was gagging. Seifer's throat was not used to having long objects shoved down it. Zell started coughing uncontrollably trying to dislodge the mixture of bread and cheese gripping his airways.

Nida was watching the choking blonde with morbid fascination. There was something alluring about a full grown man choking with desire while on the throes of passion. Nida shivered delectably at the imaginary feel of leather constricting his neck and diaphragm. Nothing compared to pure unadulterated love than asphyxiation of the erotic kind. He could have done something but he was much too absorbed in his erotic fantasy to ever realise that the blonde could actually die, but then again Nida's favourite past time was grave robbing.

Seifer was in a panic. If Zell died while in his body then that would mean that he could never return to his former self. As much as he liked the money the little blonde had to offer, he just couldn't bear to see his body wilt before him. Instinctively he rushed to Zell performing the Heimlich maneuver. He saw it may times in movies. He clumsily placed his hands on....

_SHIT...is it the chest....or the stomach..WHERE THE HELL IS THE ABDOMEN?_

He randomly applied pressure anywhere until a stray wet piece of bread plummeted through the air. It landed in Rinoa's coffee with a big splash, draping her out of fashion pastel blue cotton ensemble in a nice shade of muck.

Seifer was proud and amused at the seething brunette trying to blot the stain with tissues. Zell was disorientated by the thrusting his sore abdomen took. He was confused as to why the bully would want to help him. He didn't really go into it as he was assaulted by an arsenal of death glares and accusations.

"Umm Im sorry Rinoa, I can take it to Ma and she can get it out" Zell motioned at Rinoa's expanding coffee stain. Rinoa's face softened.

"Correct me if I'm wrong Seifer but you don't have a MA!" Qusitis used her trademark matter-of-fact tone. The group shifted their eyes to Zell who was now unsure of what to say. He could tell them that he was in fact the Zell they all knew but just trapped in the ex-knight's body.

What would they say?

Seifer was fuming at Zell's slip up. He was the ex-knight....a psycopath. He was the embodiment of mental instability, a threat to the social well being of earth's citizens as the prosecutor passionately argued. Zell was digging a grave, his grave, and frankly he didn't really think a mental institute for the criminally insane would suit his tastes.

"Ummm...Seeeif...I mean Zell invited me for...???", Zell was desperate.

Whenever Zell was nervous he would shadowbox. Though no one suspected that Zell was just simply trying to delay going to the restroom. A nervous Zell was a urinating one. Unfortunately for Zell, there wasn't the drive anymore that would prop him on his feet and disintegrate the dust in the air. So he cringed, squeezing his legs together and frantically thinking of the quickest way out of the cafeteria.

_I need to pee_... Zell mentally trailed off.

Seifer really couldn't be fucked anymore. His life was already screwed. He was Zell for Hyne's sake and that was testament to his failing sanity. Doing the only thing he knew possible, he puffed his way out of the predicament relishing the tobacco fumes once again.

Behind those drugged up azure orbs something sinister was brewing up.

"Since when do you smoke Zell?...... ", started Qusitis. She was giving Seifer a lecture on the dangers of smoking while reprimanding the young blonde for falling into the temptation.

"But Instructor you were the one who told me to always follow my dreams", Seifer added coquettishly. If there was one thing Seifer hated it was being lectured.

Quistis was flabbergasted.

"Seifer you're a bad influence, LEAVE", Qusitis, dangerously eying the ex-knight.

"Why would you care? You just care about your friggin job...ooops my mistake...your fucking hopeless!", he smirked relishing in the way she tensed.

"Zell what the hell was that for", cried Selphie and Rinoa in unison.

"Awwwww did messenger girl find a bitch to help deliver the post?", he pouted. Things were gong to plan. There was something shocking about having a friend backstab you...and Seifer loved it.

"Hey blondie, don't be so mean", Irvine cut in. He tried to sound angry, but when you had a ponytail... you weren't exactly the most threatening.

"Why don't you go to your room and shove that fucking Exeter up you ass so that I can come over and pull the trigger....wouldn't that be fun?" a grin spreading on Zell's cherub face.

"Zell this isn't like you...." concern written across Squall's face.

Little did they suspect that the Zell they knew was in fact the Seifer they all loved to hate.

"I know…I woke up and I was like this", Zell cried while munching on the hot dog.

"Cut the crap Seifer and apologise to Zell this instant!", demanded Quistis.

But I am Zell…. Zell looked up, his emerald orbs filled with sadness. The last thing he needed as his gang harassing him. They all wore a reprimanding look. Quistis's gaze was enough to shrink balls. He could feel it coming. He had to do something.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh", screamed Zell.

"I…….I gotta go…..", Zell dashed away hoping to Hyne Seifer's bladder wouldn't burst.

It took only 8 seconds for Zell to find a urinal. Zell was relieved. Cactuar sensing his master was in danger (of peeing himself) cast haste to help the blonde.

"Sheesh…what is that dang smell bucko?" the Texan cactoid asked.

"Oh Caccy…..what smell?", concentrating on relieving himself.

The cactus attached itself onto Zell's shirt with its needles afraid of actively transporting urine that seemed to cover the entire expanse of the men's restroom.

"Im talkin bout the piss on the floor kiddo…..hehehe…did you piss on the floor?", the cactus chuckled.

"Piss…there's piss on the floor?……no wonder my sneakers always used to smell!", Cacutar only rolled its non-existent eyes.

Zell didn't notice that he was on his 50th shake.

_OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo__OoOoOoOoOo_

Meanwhile, Seifer was reeling in from his nicotine induced trance. The orphanage gang had stopped their annoying tirade leaving Seifer alone with his wilted salad.

"Your pesky cigarettes ex-knight are tainting my water", came a serpentine voice.

"Who said that", Seifer quite aware that perhaps he brought the cigarettes from the wrong source this time.

"Do you not remember me ex-knight, the great water snake who finished you off?", the serpent gave a heart laugh, leaving Seifer in a humid mess.

"Leviathan?…but…Zell must have junctioned you!", a bit confused as to why Zell would have such a powerful GF.

"Indeed he has, I will not let you corrupt his body with your drug affliction", thundered the GF, causing Seifer's water bottle to explode.

"Like I care", not wanting to sound scared, though Seifer was quivering in his plastic rayon (whatever they were) sneakers.

"But you should, for I control your dreams while you are in his body. Do you want to hear your darling Ultimecia once more?" Seifer could sense the snake coil around in his head, creating a maelstrom as it boomed with laughter.

"….", Seifer remained silent.

"Good! Now leave this place, I've had quite enough of his friends. They have darkened my waters with melancholy" Leviathan thrashed in the emotional pool that was once crystal clear as the very eyes of Zell Dincht, but now lay ruined with regret and Seifer's troubled past.

So Seifer left the cafeteria failing to notice that no one actually noticed his absence.

**THIS CHAPTER TOOK ME FOREVER. I HATE WRITING DIALOGUE! I find it insanely difficult. I love Leviathan:D Wish he was in FFX so I could control him.I don't understand why I can't underline things in the story. Oh well.....oO  
**


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